When "Support" Feels Like Betrayal: Recognizing Abuse Enablers and Covert Malignant Narcissists

You finally speak up.
You share your pain, your truth — maybe for the first time.
And instead of being met with care, you’re met with:

“He was drunk — he didn’t mean it. I’m sure he doesn’t even remember.”
“My brother used to strangle me all the time when we were kids  — it was no big deal.”
Silence. A change of subject. An eye roll. 

This isn’t support.
This is betrayal trauma — the deep wound that forms when the people you trust to protect you minimize, dismiss, or side with your abuser. 

And it cuts deeper because it’s disguised as love, kindness, compassion, or empathy.

The Hidden Harm of Enablers

Abuse enablers aren’t always malicious — but their impact is.
They may believe they’re being “neutral” or “keeping peace.”
But in reality, they’re upholding the abuse by refusing to name it. 

Common enabler behaviors:

• Minimizing: “It’s not that bad.”

• Justifying: “They were stressed.”

• Silence: Saying nothing when abuse is shared

• Blaming the victim: “Why do you always escalate things?”

• Assigning innocence to the abuser: “They’d never hurt anyone.” 

This teaches you: Your pain doesn’t matter. Your truth isn’t valid. You are alone. 

Enabler or Covert Malignant Narcissist? How to Tell the Difference

Not all enablers are the same. 

The True Enabler

• May not fully understand abuse

• Often avoids conflict at all costs

• Often struggle with avoidance rather than malignancy

• May feel guilt or confusion later

• Can grow with education and boundaries

The Covert Malignant Narcissist (Disguised Enabler)

• Knows the behavior is abusive — and secretly agrees with the abuser

• Secretly enjoys the chaos or power imbalance

• Sides with the abuser to maintain their own safety or status, or to avoid taking responsibility for their own abusive behaviors they've engaged in

• Projects innocence: “I’m just trying to help both sides”

• Never takes accountability — even when confronted 

Red flag: They only “support” you if you stay silent.
The moment you name the abuse, they turn cold, dismissive, or hostile.

The Covert Malignant Narcissist: Triangulation as Weaponized Betrayal

There’s a particularly cruel tactic they use — one that doesn’t just isolate you, but actively destroys your support system while painting you as the threat. 

They go to a mutual friend or family member behind your back, feigning concern:

“I’m so worried about them — they’re so unstable lately.”
“They’re blaming me for everything, and I just want to help.” 

They position themselves as the wounded caregiver, while secretly weaponizing that friend or family member against you. This is triangulation — not just manipulation, but a calculated campaign to erase you from multiple lives at once. 

And when you’ve been sharing your abuse with these friends or family members — trusting them with your truth, your pain, even using those conversations as emotional documentation of the abuse you've been experiencing — their betrayal cuts deeper. 

Because now:

• The mutual friend or family member turns cold or disappears

• Both block you without warning, reason, or closure

• They delete your entire chat history — severing not just connection, but evidence of the abuse that you documented by sharing your experience with them

• You’re left not only unsupported, but gaslit out of your own lived experience

This isn’t just abandonment.
It’s theft — of your voice, your record, your right to be believed.

And the cruelest part?
The very people you trusted to witness your pain become complicit in both the abuse and in silencing you — all while the covert narcissist walks away looking like the victim. 

When We Minimize Our Own Pain

We’re often taught that compassion means excusing harm — especially when the abuser was also harmed earlier in life. 

Yes, your parent survived abuse.
Yes, they likely did the best they could with what they had.

But here’s the truth:
Understanding their pain doesn’t require you to deny your own. 

When we say, “They didn’t know better,” we risk silencing the inner child who was betrayed, was violated, was left alone in fear. 

That child doesn’t need justification.
They need witnessing.

They need to be seen, heard, felt, and validated by you.

So pause.
Place a hand on your heart.
And say:

“I see you, little one.
I know it wasn’t safe.
I know you were not heard.
This isn’t about excusing — it’s about believing you.” 

Healing isn’t about choosing sides between your adult understanding and your inner child’s truth.
It’s about holding both — with compassion. 

And in that space, integration begins.

The Way Out Is Through the Body

We can’t control the abuser.
We can’t force enablers to see.
We can’t think our way out of pain that lives beneath thought. 

Because this isn’t just a mental wound — it’s embodied trauma.
And the answer isn’t in the mind.
It’s in the body.

Every time we ruminate — replaying the words, the silences, the betrayals — our nervous system relives it.
We’re not remembering.
We’re being retraumatized, over and over, in the safety of our own heads. 

But there’s another way.

Break the Loop. Return to the Body.

The first step is awareness:
Notice when you're caught in thought — reliving, analyzing, trying to solve what can’t be solved with logic.

Then, gently pause.
Breathe.
And shift your conscious presence into your body.

Not to fix.
Not to judge.
Just to witness.

Where is the pain held?
In the chest? Throat? Belly?
Can you feel the younger parts of you — the ones still living in the moment of betrayal? 

This is somatic healing:
Coming home to yourself, slowly, safely.
Learning to resource your body through metabolic safety — breath, grounding, movement — so you don’t collapse into overwhelm. 

You don’t have to do this alone.

I teach these practices in my courses — not as a distant expert, but as a fellow survivor.
If you’re ready to stop running from your feelings and start feeling with them, I’d be honored to walk with you.

If you’re ready to go deeper — to heal not just the mind, but the nervous system, the body, the soul — I invite you to explore my courses.

• Safe & Nourished: The 6-Week Trauma-Informed Metabolic Reclamation Plan

• Re-Membering You: A Trauma-Informed Path to Empath Sovereignty

• The Consciously Present Course

• Body Wisdom: 7 Days of Nervous System Safety (my free mini-course)

They’re designed for survivors like you: gentle, trauma-informed, and rooted in somatic healing. No pressure. No shame. Just a safe space to remember who you’ve always been — beneath the noise, beneath the pain, beneath the lies you were told.

You can also subscribe to my Telegram channel: Consciously Present Channel and join in the community chat. I would love to connect with you there.

You are worthy of safety.
You are worthy of love — the real kind.
And you're not alone.