What Is Narcissistic Abuse? (And Why It’s So Hard to Name)

You know that feeling — the one where something’s off, but you can’t quite put your finger on it.

Maybe you walked away from a conversation feeling small, confused, or guilty… even though you didn’t do anything wrong.
Maybe you’ve been told you’re “too sensitive,” “dramatic,” or “playing the victim” — every time you tried to speak up.
Maybe you’ve started questioning your memory, your emotions, or your sanity.

What if it’s not you?
What if what you’re experiencing is narcissistic abuse — a pattern of manipulation, control, and emotional erosion that’s often disguised as love, concern, or normal behavior?

And what if you’re not broken, overreacting, or imagining things… but responding — with deep wisdom — to something that was never safe?

Why We Don’t Recognize Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse is rarely loud or violent in the traditional sense. It’s subtle. It’s insidious. It lives in the quiet moments: a smirk, a sigh, a “joke” that stings, a promise that evaporates. 

And here’s the hard truth:
We don’t recognize it because it’s normalized.

Think about it:

• How many movies glorify the “persistent” lover who won’t take no for an answer?

• How often are controlling behaviors framed as “passion” or “care”?

• How many of us grew up hearing, “You’ll understand when you’re older,” or “Don’t talk back” — silencing our boundaries before we even knew the word?

Abuse doesn’t always look like a fist.
Sometimes, it looks like a smile.
A compliment with a sting.
A gift with a price tag.
A “I’m sorry” that changes nothing.

And when we do name it — when we say, “That wasn’t okay” — we’re often met with dismissal:

“You’re being dramatic.”
“They didn’t mean it that way.”
“You’re playing the victim.”

These responses don’t just invalidate us — they re-traumatize us. They teach us that our pain isn’t real, that our feelings are too much, that we must shrink to be loved.

But here’s what I want you to know, deep in your bones:

Your feelings are valid.
Your boundaries matter.
And you are not the problem.

12 Subtle (But Damaging) Forms of Narcissistic Abuse

Let’s name what’s happening — because when we name it, we take back our power.

1. Gaslighting
   “You’re remembering it wrong.”
   “You’re too sensitive.”
   “That never happened.”
   "That's ridiculous!" (when you tell them how you feel about something)
   → This makes you doubt your reality.

2. Love Bombing
   Over-the-top affection, gifts, or declarations early on.
   → Creates dependency before the devaluation begins.

3. Silent Treatment
   Withholding communication as punishment.
   → A form of emotional abandonment and meant to isolate and control you.

4. Triangulation
   Bringing in a third person to create jealousy or competition.
   “My ex never complained like you do.”
   Going to a mutual friend or family member behind your back, feigning concern about you, making you out to be unstable while painting themself out to be an innocent victim, turning the other party against you.
   → Undermines your sense of security while robbing you of necessary support while further isolating you.

5. Moving the Goalposts and Double Binds
   No matter what you do, it’s never enough. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't.
   → Keeps you chasing approval that will never come.

6. Projection
   Accusing you of the very things they’re doing.
   “You’re the one who’s selfish.”
   → Shifts blame and confuses you.

7. Backhanded Compliments
   “You’re so brave for wearing that.”
   “I could never be that confident.”
   → Disguised put-downs increase your insecurity and erode your self-confidence.

8. Boundary Violation
   Ignoring your “no,” showing up uninvited, reading your messages.
   → Teaches you that your needs don’t matter.

9. Emotional Blackmail
   “If you leave, I’ll hurt myself.”
   “After all I’ve done for you…”
   → Uses guilt to control.

10. Hoovering
    Reaching out after discard with false promises or affection.
    → Pulls you back into the cycle.

11. Public Humiliation
    Making jokes at your expense in front of others.
    → Destroys self-worth while maintaining their image.

12. Victim Playing
    “You’re the one hurting me.”
    “I’m the one who’s been wronged.”
    → Flips the script so you end up apologizing for what they actually did to you.

These aren’t “personality quirks.”
They’re patterns of harm — and they leave real wounds.

Pause. Name It. Feel It.

If any of this resonates, I invite you to pause — right here, right now.

Take a breath.
Place a hand on your heart.

Ask yourself:

• Where do I feel this in my body?
  (Tight chest? Knot in stomach? Numbness?)

• What emotion is here?
  (Grief? Anger? Shame? Relief?)

• Can I name it — without judgment?

You don’t have to fix anything right now.
You don’t have to “get over it.”
You just need to witness yourself — with kindness.

Because healing doesn’t begin when you “move on.”
It begins when you stop minimizing your pain — and start honoring it.

You Are Not the Problem. You Are the Healing.

Let me say it again, because the world has probably told you the opposite:

You are not too much.
You are not broken.
You are not the abuser.

You are someone who survived something that no one should have to endure — and you did it with courage, even if it didn’t feel like courage at the time.

And now?
Now you’re waking up.
Now you’re naming it.
Now you’re feeling it.

That is so brave.

Reclaiming What Was Lost

Narcissistic abuse doesn’t just hurt your heart — it disrupts your nervous system, your sense of self, your ability to trust your own instincts.

But the good news is this:
You can come home to yourself again.

You can learn to:

• Feel safe in your body

• Trust your intuition

• Set boundaries without guilt

• Reclaim your autonomy and sovereignty

It’s not about “getting over” the past.
It’s about rewiring your present — so you can live from a place of safety, power, and self-trust.

If you’re ready to go deeper — to heal not just the mind, but the nervous system, the body, the soul — I invite you to explore my courses.

• Safe & Nourished: The 6-Week Trauma-Informed Metabolic Reclamation Plan

• Re-Membering You: A Trauma-Informed Path to Empath Sovereignty

• The Consciously Present Course

• Body Wisdom: 7 Days of Nervous System Safety

They’re designed for survivors like you: gentle, trauma-informed, and rooted in somatic healing. No pressure. No shame. Just a safe space to remember who you’ve always been — beneath the noise, beneath the pain, beneath the lies you were told.

You can also subscribe to my Telegram channel: Consciously Present Channel and join in the community chat. I would love to connect with you there.

You are worthy of safety.
You are worthy of love — the real kind.
And you're not alone.